okay, so.. here's a pointer boys - don't get drunk (the drunk part is assumed since it's 2am) and booty-TEXT a girl who has never wanted to get with you in the first place and doesn't even like you, and especially don't do it when you have a GIRLFRIEND. and don't ever address a girl as 'sexy' unless she's your girlfriend. it's just tacky and gross and obnoxious and not cute at all. if i wanted you calling me sexy i would be dating you not deleting your number from my phone..

seriously... boys disgust me so much sometimes.

and question, do you tell the guy's girlfriend or are you supposed to let it go as a drunken text? i feel like it's not okay... but also don't want to be a tool OR get caught up in any one else's drama... blah.

in other news, my boyfriend is amazing... hahaha. sad that the anniversary is over now! but, my perfect boyfriend is even more reason why annoying, assanine boys need to leave me aloooone.

just ew, skanky boys... EW.

and in further news yes i'm still up at 2:30 am. no-one called me to do anything tonight and meh, might as well hang out with my couch a little while longer. we're becoming best friends! :)

and yes i realize that sounds lame... but i'm okay with that haha. the house is just empty and boring and as much as i know i'm going to miss it i also can't wait to move into the new apartment and have everything shiny and clean again.

okay, back to my the adventures of being an insomniac. which equals dvr-d television and playing games on my computer....

goodnight (kind of) everybody!

so, i need to fall asleep since i have to get up at 3am and drive 12 hours straight again... which would be no problem as far as length of drive if i could just have a little more sleep in me but meh.

but i'm having so much trouble getting my mind clear... i keep thinking, what if this is my last night in this house? i just keep walking around, pacing and looking at everything, reliving the last 12 years of my life. everything that's happened here. and man. as i was looking around at stuff, because i'm trying to take some things back with me to columbus to make packing up here easier if it has to happen, i found an old diary/journal of mine. and man, if any of you think i have issues now, you should see the shit i used to write. i have it so together now haha... but. it was so hard to read. it's weird, i reread other old journals from time to time, but the particular contents of this one just hit me hard, and were words about just the things that have me stressed out right now. it sent a wrenching pang straight to my heart.

i just want to cry right now so badly, i feel the tears behind my eyes, but i've cried so much lately i feel as though i don't have any more tears left in me for the moment. i just... it's as though all the individual things i've always battled with, that have always been the things i've had the hardest trouble facing in life, are all jumbled together in this one massive horrible awful situation.

my dad better come straight out to columbus to see me, although i'm absolutely beyond terrified to see him. i don't know how to even look at him without pure fury and hate in my eyes.. and so much hurt. i'm mad at everyone and everything, not just him but, it just tears me apart so bad how long he's been lying to and hiding from me.

whatever. i have a huge gig to get ready for anyway, with only 48 hours to cram as much band practice as possible into... which ought to be more than just a little bit interesting. but hopefully i can just rock it on thursday and have fun. i need that, i know i do, and i feel like this weekend has prepped me for that a little better but...

i feel like my LIFE, and MY life, are two totally separate things right now, like i'm living in two parallel universes simultaneously.

i just need to breathe, and focus... on what i'm not sure. but on something. and keep moving. just keep moving right? and goodness gracious wait on steve to come back to me because i know that will help so much.

but for now... i guess just try to maintain existence. that's about the best i can do right now, and even that is so much harder than it should ever have to be.

everything's so confusing lately. i hate it. i don't understand why all this has to be happening, why this is my life right now. i have so little patience or tolerance for anyone else because i just feel like so much is falling apart around me.. i just can't even process my own life right now, let alone anything outside of that. it's all making it so hard for me to function logically, everything is really just so damn confusing. i feel so apathetic, and like i just want to be alone from everyone. i feel angry that all this has to be happening, and angry at my dad. both my parents, really. but ultimately, how could he do this?? i just don't get it. i don't understand any of this. and i don't have any clue how i can focus on my own shit with all this other stuff going on... and it makes it so hard for me to feel like i'm making the right decision about anything and so i question everything. i just want to cry and hide out from the world, which is pretty much what i've been doing.. but i don't know. i feel myself pushing everything and everyone away right now and i don't even know how to stop it. i'm not sure i want to. i don't know that i feel sure of anything at all. and maybe that's what scares me the most.

i'm having the most trouble ever keeping my mind in any way clear and forcing myself to make all the right decisions right now. or at least the decisions that i know i need to make in order to survive, even just physically.

this is the worst place i've been in, in such a long time. i have no clue what to do with myself. i hate this. i need help, but i don't even know where to turn. i feel like my profs and everyone else is just going to think i'm crazy... but i feel crazy... i feel out of my fucking mind. and i want to escape so bad.. i dunno. everything's just so messed up. i'm so terrified.

i need out. now.

.. won't someone please just wake me up out of this nightmare.

i just don't even know what to think anymore.

songs stuck in my head right now:

abandon: hold on
nirvana: lithium
foo fighters: let it die

every time i start to feel like i am settled into what i need to do and am back in the groove of my own life again, it starts spinning out of control all over again. i don't understand why things like this keep happening.

i just want to be home.

i am so frustrated with most everything in my life right now. and it sucks because well, it just sucks. how could all that frustration be a good thing? it really doesn't help that i just can't seem to get things on track with school.. so on top of it all i'm frustrated with myself. and it's stupid really, i have such awesome classes this quarter, i shouldn't have gotten myself into this shit-hole yet again. i'd like to say i won't do this next year, i'll just be on top of everything all the time, but i know that with both my jobs, and most likely trying to squeeze night-classes or maybe courses at columbus state plus full class days tuesdays and thursdays to try to fit full-time hours around my job at rjg (i have to stay full-time or i will owe money on my loans).... i know that next year will probably be the most difficult academic year of my life. or perhaps even just all of this stupid 2009 will continue being harder than anything else i've had to deal with before, as far as taking charge of and handling my own life.

at this point, i really just want to bust through the rest of the quarter, so it can be summer and i can start picking up extra hours (and hopefully a freaking raise) at the office and stock up more money to pass straight through my hands towards paying off my bills. all i keep thinking of is that i've just got to get through this.. and i have to get my financial shit in order in time to save up at least a little bit of money before i graduate so that my loan payments aren't instantly overwhelming. but, that's a big goal, so we'll see, but in the meantime i'm doing everything i possibly can, including serious cutbacks in the food department. (and yet i don't lose any weight - cause that makes sense...)

ugh. and through it all, missing steve is just the tip of the iceberg that can really make me fall sometimes. which is horrible, because simply having him in my life should be something that makes me stronger, i shouldn't let that become missing him and wanting him here and feeling like something in me is less, because if anything it is so much more, and better... but i keep letting all the other things that are stressing me out beyond belief affect that part of my life as well, which is awful. i'm so sick of myself for crying so often lately when we talk.... i'm just letting it all get to me too much. and the thing is, it's so much building up, i don't even know what exactly it is that's bothering me, so i can't talk it out the way i want to, and then i get mad at myself for not being able to talk about, and i just get quiet, and then when i think about it enough i start crying cause i just realize how incredibly much i miss him.

ridiculous ridiculous ridiculous. i just need to get my head and heart out of this silly little funk.....

so, not so much a good week or so in the separated-from-the-love-of-my-life universe. but. i have to keep reminding myself that the longer we are apart, the closer we are to being back together again. oh, i just want this quarter to fly by and for summer to be here, for getting drunk on my balcony and moving in with lyss and just not worrying about some of this bullshit i'm stuck dealing with right now. school is not my friend lately. i was so excited for this quarter, but i let myself fall behind on reading when dan was here... and now even though i'm in these really great classes i've already missed out on some of the awesome learning they had to offer me. so that just kind of bums me out a little... what can i say, i'm a nerd!

speaking of which all i've been doing lately at the office is coding my life away. and since i don't know that much code, it's quite the process. definitely a learning experience, which is good.. but still. my boss keeps asking me what i'm accomplishing each day, and i want to be like, i'm probably accomplishing near-blindness staring at this screen forever and ever editing tiny segments of code and rearranging it all to make shit do what i want it to. he definitely has no clue how time-consuming all of the design work is. and i have no real design or editing programs of any kind to work with!! ugh. i just keep beating into my brain that this is a really important career move for me and even though i'm rather underpaid for the amount of work i'm doing, i need to kick ass at this job.

and of course i continue to miss steve like crazy, but i love him so, what else do i expect? lol.. it gets me down sometimes.. but i know it's worth getting through this, and so much more. and when i really think about all that i've been put through by boys before, and what my friends go through, it really just amazes me.. i have no idea how i'm this lucky. and after such a bad week of missing each other, this weekend really reminded me of just how incredibly lucky i am and how stupid it is not to just enjoy it and be happy.

this year is a big turning point for me.. i know that. so much happening and changing, in my life and in the lives of the people around me. but especially with all that's made such a huge change in my life since new year's... what a way to really start off a new year i guess, huh? never would have seen anything like that coming for me, obviously.. but wow. a totally new start with a new year, a better, happier me, new job, new plans, just so many things.

it's crazy and i know i just need to keep my head up and be strong and work my tail off and get through it, so that next year can just be the perfection i dream about every night and even in every brief moment where my mind gets a chance to wander.

2010: full speed ahead!

it's so ridiculous how one missed phone call can so quickly stress me out to the point of tears... but it's just not fair that i can't ever call back! i hate it! i know this is hard, i knew this would be hard, i know i need to just remember all the other wonderful things and not let myself get so upset... but at the same time, again, i know it's going to be really hard and i know i'm going to be upset sometimes and that's okay. i need to be okay with that, with all of it.... but sometimes it just hurts so bad!!!!!!

i'm not dependent on it, or on steve, i know that, but damn it everything is just so much better with him in the picture and it's so silly but even the times i've only been able to talk to him for 2 minutes it just makes everything seem okay again. it keeps me from stressing out or worrying too much or from just totally freaking out and breaking down from missing him so much...

i know this is all super-emotional and probably sounds whiny, but i dunno it's just the truth and i just need to get it out so i can maybe/kind of/probably-not-but-i'm-trying to../hopefully stop freaking out so i can get back to reading this book for class. and so that i can focus in class, and not get all funny every time the one i-served-in-the-military-and-i-will-find-a-way-to-relate-it-to-everything-i-say guy in my next class says "iraq". which will be a lot. so i kind of need to be calm for this.

i'm so ridiculous, i know.

but i just miss him and i love him... how could i feel any other way??

mrs. wise is amazing:




the card reads:

remember that after the rain there is a rainbow.. and if i have to - i'll come over there and paint the darn thing on your ceiling!

"dear tiffany, it's been difficult the past few weeks - losing your mentor and your boyfriend off to iraq. we never understand why - but pray for strength and guidance - and that's what i am praying for you, tiffany. you are a wonderful lady with a strong fortitude and so full of promise. rely on the good memories of your great late mentor and on the love of your dear boyfriend to get you through. love you, sue"

"p.s. i loved the [thank you card i sent them for buying me dinners in texas]! and thank you for making steve smile!"

what an amazing woman. and quite a good writer! guess i know for sure where steve got some of that from :)

also, it was just what i needed today to cheer me up from all this hell of studying and bring me out of my worries from everything that's been going on....

i feel so lucky in so many ways <3

ummm first day at the new job today! i feel all weird with my own office-space and snazzy desk and space and big ol highbacked cushy/pleather rolling chair. so when i was waiting for the owner to come back in and talk to me some more, i was scrolling through the contacts in our phone/email database to just get myself acquainted with the system itself and some of the clients... here are some names i came across:

creed's FOH engineer, steve miller, dwight yoakam's FOH, fleshtones, grand ole opry (the ryman?!), john mellencamp, lenny kravitz' FOH, drummer, and bass player, lifehouse's FOH, and sarah brightman's FOH.

and every computer in the office has itunes and shared music folders which are somehow all linked into the stereo so i can pick from there or bring in my ipod and play whatever i want (-country or rap). today i listened to everything from classic rock to sweet funk to frank sinatra to death cab for cutie to like 23423748 amazing things.

and we might start representing nord... which would be, oh, i dunno, orgaaasmic especially cause i'd get to do product demos. and then there might be a keyboard in the jam room at the office.

yeah, there's a jam room.

i better not fuck up this job. it's too freaking heavenly.

ohhhh goodness! okay, so next quarter = lots of impromptu fsa shows (i.e. good experience for members) at morril, meet and greet with THIS PROVIDENCE, concert at the basement with COPELAND AND THIS PROVIDENCE.... fsa spring showcase in the ampitheatre (that babybear is already confirmed for!!!!), MY NEW JOB hopefully kicking ass and making lots of contacts in the music industry, non-shitty classes, and having money to buy food again so that i can eat more than 500-begged-and-borrowed calories a day!!! aaaaand sunshine, and warmth, and dress-weather, and partying, and all kinds of fantastic stuff!

yeah, i'm super-excited :)

and i really like these guys: www.myspace.com/thiscentury

too much reality for me lately.

but the good new is i don't have to be worried about not having food anymore, although i still have to live on just as tight of a budget. just now people will stop calling me looking for money i owe them. which will be nice.

altogether though i'm still overwhelmingly sad.

goodness i wish steve could be here.

love this t-shirt design:
http://store.glennz.com/exmu.html

and these photos are so sweet:
http://www.uphaa.com/blog/index.php/secret-underground-tunnels/

and i fell in love with this webcomic:
www.lefthandedtoons.com

and i miss a couple people a whole lot in entirely different ways.... and ohhhh how i can't wait for this quarter to be over!!

http://www.audixusa.com/docs/latest_news/EkFkVlpyVFvMumigHC.shtml
http://www.kikkerland.com/ products, solar, rainbow maker :)
http://go.iomega.com/section?SID=728c1ef5e44a1fa085bc1c5b97a648eb4e0:4760&secid=40639

this hurts so much. i miss him so much. i just want to be home and pay my respects and cry. i haven't had time to deal with it yet.. and all i want to do is cry and let it hit me.

my heart feels like there's just this big gaping emptiness in it right now. i've never let myself care this much, want to be with someone this much. but he's just so amazing.. i feel so happy to have found someone so wonderful, i just know it's going to hurt a lot to go 10 months without his eyes or his kiss or his smile or his hands. but i'm excited to get something from japan, and write letters, and to completely attack him the second i see him again, and for all the adventures we have planned... and for whatever else might come from this.

i feel like wherever this is going, it can't be anywhere that isn't absolutely fantastic. i'm sure everyone thinks i'm/we're crazy for all this.. but when something feels so right, there isn't even any thinking about it. everything just... is. and it's all so easy. and makes me feel like the best possible version of myself.

i know it's going to be rough on me emotionally, but i feel so incredibly unbelievably lucky. and ready to go home and go back to facing the rest of my life.. i know through it all he'll still be by my side and in my heart the whole time.

first unsmiling phone call ending in 2 months. realistic, but sad. i like having my happy little smile every night.. i know i will have to live without it soon, but still, it's been nice to have that for a while. harper was funny... i swear the guys around him get more excited about little things than we do, which is really just funny. i guess it's nice that they're all encouraging to do/say nice things in my direction, but at the same time i don't want to be any part of any pressure being put on him, he's got enough of that. and we're fine where we're at.. everything's just so nice. it's amazing how easily i've made the transformation to being so patient and just good and not worried about everything.. but we balance each other out, so it's just easier with him in a way i'm not used to. maybe that's part of it. i'm nervous for texas.... but hopefully i don't become an instant idiot. i'm good at being all fantastic and cool on the phone but, i worry i might lose that assurance face-to-face. less time to check myself before i say/do stupid things... and it still all feels just too good to be true. anywho. mostly i'm just excited to see him. and everyone! and texas!

now, as a typical girl.. i just have to figure out what to wear! hahahaahah

i. am. way. too. fucking. giddy. !!!!!

and now i have to try to sleep! at least it will be with very happy thoughts and this big stupid grin on my face. ohhhhhhhh ridiculousness.

If we chalk it up to faint memories,
Do we really have a vivid dream,
Perceived, Darling.
If we catch our breath in this stubborn breeze,
Do we really have all that we need,
Knowing, Darling.
If we shut our eyes for so long,
We can forget all of those wrongs,
I did, Darling.

Do we have all that we need,
I don't know. I don't know.
What we have is all perceived,
I don't know. I don't know.

If we elaborate all our stories,
Do we always get out of everything,
Barely, Darling.
If we speak it out in a tight lip,
We can forecast our recovery,
I know, Darling.

Do we have all that we need,
I don't know. I don't know.
What we have is all perceived,
I don't know. I don't know.